“Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older? Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long. And wouldn’t it be nice to live together? In the kind of world where we belong.” – Brian Wilson
“I will slit your throat.” – Anonymous
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Sometimes I fall asleep and then wake myself while saying something fucking stupid. I do this a lot. Some of my favorite sleep-sayings are: “Teeth suck”, “Don’t talk to Roger!”, and “I DON’T WANNA FUCKIN’ PLAY FOOTBALL”. As you can tell, I’m a negative Nancy. Well, last week I woke up and IMMEDIATELY uttered what at the time seemed like the dumbest sentence of all time: “girls are potato chips”. The size of stupid that this quote generated actually woke up 5-AM-sleepy-Jeff so that I could ponder what the shit I had just said. It wasn’t long before I realized that girls ARE potato chips and I knew I had to tell the world the good news. Maybe I’ve dated a lot of different kinds of girls. Maybe I’ve dated the same girl 20 times. Maybe I can make a metaphor comparing girls to a greasy snack. Let’s see.
Some women are plain potato chips. We’ve all been there. It’s 3 am and you’re drunk at Wawa wondering what you want to eat while you slay dragons playing Skyrim later on.
So you grab a liter of cola (obviously) and then realize you only have about tree fiddy to spend on the rest of your binge. So then you start looking at chips. Now maybe for some of you, you have a particular favorite kind of chip but I know there are other people like me that love every chip and could never choose. And maybe additionally some people who can’t choose also have mind-crippling anxiety attacks when their friends start dropping f-bombs around little kids in public so you quickly go with the most comfortable chip you know of: plain.
But before we move on why are there little kids in a Wawa at 2 am? And why doesn’t Wawa sell any Mylanta? Some things can never be explained. Like why my ex-girlfriends thought sending naked pictures to me was a good idea.
So anyway, you get home and you’re thinking, “maybe I should just go to sleep” BUT YA DON’T and then you sit on your couch and get salty as shit. Those little fuckers are addictive. You decide that you made a good choice in the potato chip department. You keep eating and eating and then you get about 3/4th’s done and feel like a total dingus. But later you’ll get super existential and wonder why you ever went with plain potato chips to load into your body. You will over-analyze your late night junk-food-session and come to the conclusion that plain potato chips are just not enough for you. You’re young, relatively attractive, & have a good head on your shoulders. With so much to experience in the world why on earth would you just get plain chips? There’s just way too much to try!
Oopsie, that was dumb.
Some women are dill pickle chips. You are in Wawa again after hanging out at your friend Karl’s house with 30 dudes and NO GIRLS for hours. You almost go to grab to those plain chips, but then think to yourself “WAIT. Yolo. Lemme try something different”. Sorry about that YOLO part, doe.
You wanted something crazy and different. Something to make your friends envy you in some weird way. And you succeeded because look at those tits. Wait I mean unique texture of the chip. Yup. For a few weeks you are all about being wild n’ crazy. You think about getting your nipples pierced. You contemplate dropping out of college and working on a farm. After amazing sex, you run outside and challenge a police officer to a sword fight. Whatever. Everybody is like “Man….Jeff really went off the deep end, you guys” as you try to back flip off a jungle gym. After getting reconstructive surgery on your face, you think to yourself maybe you went a little overboard with these dill pickle chips and also maybe you forget what being sober is like. Let’s tone it down a bit. Okay.
Some women are the stale tortilla chips you have in the back of your pantry just in case of an emergency. You see each other out when you’re drunk? Let’s have a million babies. You see each other out when you’re sober? I have to return some video tapes. Often you’ll see each other out and not really even want to hook up, but at the end of the night you just look at each other and nod in agreement that both of your lives are pathetic so the hookup is always inevitable.
That's the one.
Some women are Doritos. You can’t eat even one without making a mess and feeling like a total asshole. These include your friend’s ex-girlfriends. At any point in any man’s life there are like 30 girls he wants to get with but because of some lame political reason cannot. It just wouldn’t be right, or whatever. That is a cool way to think if you have a soul, but I know there are always people that LOVE Doritos and run away from their “mess” laughing like a maniac, naked. So I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. However when I’m considering something to munch on, I usually don’t want to select an item that will require me to wash my hands twice after eating and then still kinda smell that shit on them. You brush your teeth hard as fuck. Not enough mouth wash in the world to get it out of there. You burp 5 hours later and you can taste the cheese on your breath and want to die. She didn’t shave down there ever. What?
Some women are ripple chips. By this point you think you’ve seen it all. You want to crawl back to plain chips…but your pride won’t let you. So you trick your brain into thinking you’re eating something different with ripples. You pop them into your mouth and the texture is a crazy, new world. Then your tongue tastes it and you instantly realize you are eating a plain potato chip that dresses like a dickhead. Maybe her hair is from the 80’s. Maybe every one of her texts includes “LMAO” in all caps always. However, ripples will be the most levelheaded potato chips you will ever eat but you can’t get over the fact that she lists “anything on the radio!” under the favorite music section on her Facebook.
Some women are Sun Chips. You’ve never been lower in all your days. You’re finally ready to turn your life around. How will you do it? Obviously with a healthy snack. So you start eating Sun Chips and shit. You will never miss plain potato chips more than when you date a Sun Chip girl. They rationalize their everyday actions as being better than everyone else as you watch in disbelief trying to convince yourself this chip isn’t bat-shit insane. Sun Chips love to be like, “Ohhhhhh you’re gonna eat that? No I mean that’s fine but…some people like to take care of their body you stupid fuck.” However, you keep trucking and tell yourself “Just hang in there, this is good for you”. One thing will lead to another annnnnnnnnd you break up and then the bomb drops…
“I WANTED YOU TO FIGHT FOR ME”
Run.
Sooooo Sun Chips were a bad idea. We can’t blame you though; you were just attempting to be a better person! A pathetic and weak attempt, sure….but an attempt nonetheless. And now as the aftermath begins and she starts to do some sort of moronic gypsy ritual of pathetic shit to intentionally piss you off, hold on to this feeling when you get the urge to “better” yourself again in the future. In life you'll learn that sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side, because somebody came and shit all over the grass.
Dog shit. The worst kind of shit.
In conclusion, all women are crazy, delicious snacks.
I know that this post was kind of one big word vomit loosely formatted to feign the appearance of an essay. I guess I sort of wrote this as a memento for myself, to remind my future self what dating in college was like. I graduate in May and will more than likely be immediately starting in the industry I’ve always wanted to since I was 18, with a very relaxed company that seems to be okay with hiring a smart kid who just so happens to write for a blog called “Boner Tales” in his spare time and tweets about being alone even though he’s not really ever alone. Believe me, for the first time in my life I know how lucky I am. Pppfpfpfpffpfpfffff.
I guess that one day I’m going to have to grow up, but luckily for you that day isn’t today. Thank you for providing an outlet for me to rant and joke about my life so that I can see how little everything I worry about is in the grand scheme of things.
Boner Talez 4 Lyfe
