“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“fuck odd future! Make sure y’all smalltime niggas stick yo chess out when u speak to me,” - @chrisbrown
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First of all, I want to go on record and say that I really don’t normally do this kind of thing. You’ve read my previous posts; I do female-degrading humor while making myself look like a pompous prick. Well feminists and ex-girlfriends rejoice! This week you will get a break from all that. This week we talk about something much more important than my tales of teenage angst. This week we talk about Chris Brown. I guess I should start by explaining the story of how I came across this man. This wonderful figure in musical history that has forever changed my outlook on love and while we’re at it, life. The meaning of all life.
My fascination with Mr. Breezy started off like most of yours; slow dancing to “Say Goodbye” at homecoming, wearing a rented suit that didn’t fit, sexually frustrated with my girlfriend of 3 weeks. You guys remember grinding, right? Hilarious. But even 16 year old boys needed breaks from the biggest boners they’ll ever have in their life, and that’s where slow dancing came in handy. Anyway, while listening to this slow jam, I remember really taking in the aura of the entire event. Every girl had boobs now! I didn’t have acne! My mom let me stay out till 11! I didn’t have to change the subject when people talked about virginity! I didn’t see how life could get any better. Chris Brown sung to me “Wait Jeff, you are 16 and in the prime of your life. Why do you have a girlfriend? Well there’s never a right time to say goodbye, so dump that slut.” over the speakers that filled the gymnasium. As if he was speaking right to me. Ahhhhh, but I digress.
How could you not trust this face?
Fast forward to senior year. It is December and I am alone (probably). I am listening to “With You” on repeat while singing to myself in the bathroom mirror. I can’t tell you how many times I made, “I bet there’s hearts all over the world tonight with the love of their life who FEEL. WHAT I FEEL WHEN I’M WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU.” my away message hoping a girl who hated my guts would think it’s about her. I probably didn’t even want to get back with her I just wanted to keep her up at night and prevent her from getting with a guy before I could get a hand job. This is the power Chris Brown gave me.
It got weird at one point. CB released a song with Jordin Sparks called “No Air”. As a guitarist in a rock band….I wasn’t able to openly admit that I absolutely loved this song. How do you tell your friends that? To this day, I don’t think my friends know. Well guys, here it is: I loved that fuckin’ “No Air” song. The way the two voices seemed to compliment each other and make us listeners believe that Breezy actually had a fling with this fatty. The key change? Killed it. How the shit do you breathe with no air? Forget about it. I was happy when “Forever” was released, due to the fact that this was a much more acceptable song to approve of in the hipster community. What WASN’T acceptable was that one time my eyes started swelling up and I had to shove the tears back into my ovaries while watching the JK Wedding Entrance Dance.
Every god damn time.
We’ll overlook the mind-boggling diarrhea of an album that was known as “Graffiti”. I guess all the songs about getting Rihanna back were sort of cool (“Crawl”, “So Cold”), but every time Chris tried to sing about pounding ass and clubs a school teacher in Ohio farted the words “too soon” and a kitten died. But guess what? Pretty boy is back and now he has an album called “F.A.M.E.” which stands for “Fancy. AIDS. Monkey. Erroneous.” (Look it up on Wikipedia). However, there is another thing I forgot to mention….and that thing is that this album is just as bad as the last. But one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and there is a song on this album called “Wet The Bed”…
WET THE BED ANALYSIS:
If you are living under a rock maybe you haven’t heard this gem. I guess that I will show you:
Brilliant, right?
So now let us crack deeper into this song and look at the underlying meaning Chris and Ludacris are trying to communicate to us.
"Hear the sound of your body drip, drip, drip
As I kiss both sets of lips, lips, lips"
Right away our ol’ pal Ludacris sets the tone for the entire piece. Try not to be swayed by the apparent sexual references on the surface, Luda is simply talking about sweat and kissing girls who unfortunately have two sets of lips :/ . Simultaneously showing us that he loves this girl and also does not mind her birth defect and sweat glands.
"I ain't afraid to drown, if that means I’m deep up in your ocean, yeah Girl I’ll drink you down, sipping on your body all night"
Everybody knows that Chris Brown is afraid of water, the ocean and drowning (JK Rowling 3273) (See bibliography), but here he is saying he is so dumbfounded by this woman’s beauty that he isn’t even afraid of DYING. Beautiful.
"I just wanna take your legs an’ wrap them round
Girl you cummin’ right now
My head to your chest feeling your heartbeat, girl
Swimming all in your sea
And you sweatin’ all over me
Girl, lean forward, don’t you run, girl"
Don’t you run girl. Chris Brown wants you to come with him! (I guess that they spelled that word wrong here for some reason?) He wants to swim in your sea of love and lust. Again with the sweat glands, not a care in the world...
"I don’t want to be a minute man
Baby you're just like a storm
Rainin’ on me girl, you're soakin’ wet"
This pre-chrous is a pre-cursor for how Chris Brown is gonna make out with you and take you out for an ice cream date. He doesn’t want the date to last a minute he wants it to last as long as a storm in Virginia. I fucking love ice cream dates.
"I’ma kiss you right, yea, yeah
I’m gon lick all night, yea, yeah
Girl, when I’m inside yea, yeah
Yeah girl, you heard what I said
I’m gonna make you wet the bed
Yea yeah
Girl I’m gonna make you wet the bed
Yea yeah
I’m gonna make you wet the bed
I’mma put your legs behind your head
I’m gonna make you wet the bed"
There is an old tale told by sailors that after you take a girl for an ice cream date and make metaphors about her love swallowing you like the sea (hence: “when I’m inside”) that she will pee the bed (or "nocturnal enuresis"). It’s quite an accomplishment as a man and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The subject here is also apparently a trapeze artist and/or professional ballet dancer! Either way, excellent taste Christopher.
"You don’t know what you in for
Bout to get into your mental, huh
Bend you back like its limbo
I’m gon make you feel like a Nympho
Tonight (ooooh) you're mine, baby girl, uhhhh"
Oh CHRIS! You’re bad. You’re baaaad. Also upon further investigation, said girl is definitely a trapeze artist. I don’t know what a Nympho is and when I use The Google only porn comes up :(
"Anytime you want it
I’m ready and willin’ gotta give it
I start to lick on your body
You go to trembling
Move around girl, let me get it from the side
And can I visit all those spots you like
Your neck, your back, your sexy lips
booty and thighs"
…….Something is definitely afoot here. It seems that Chris might be talking about…sex? More specifically licking a girl’s reproductive organs until she reaches “climax”. This…can’t be coming from the same guy who sung “Is yo’ man. On the flo’. If he ain’t. Then let me know!”. This is not the CB I know from Oscar-award winning films such as “Stomp The Yard” and “Takers”. Everything is wrong.
I am going to just skip over the pre-chorus and chorus now. I don’t support this kind of talk. I’m from New Jersey. I was in NHS.
"I’ma make your body wetter than ever
We’ll get together you could tell as soon as I approach her
When you feelin’ uptight get it right
Don’t fight, lightin up like Sammy Sosa"
GOOD THING WE HAVE LUDACRIS TO SAVE THE DAY. Nice, wholesome, Will Smith-like rap. So let’s break this little bridge down. Sammy Sosa reference on an album released in 2011! That’s interesting. Leads me to believe that this song has been a very long time coming and that it was probably that asshole Chris who changed the meaning of it and that’s why it took so long to release.
"Women call me the super soaker
And I’ma soak your bed to death
(don’t stop, uh, uh)"
Super soakers sure were fun when I was little!!! I wish women called me that as a nickname. I never soaked girl’s beds with it but I did pull off Barbie heads.
"How long can you hold you breath, uhh
A-a-asthma attackin’
Waking up, wondering what happened"
Now Luda is commenting on his debilitating illness of “asthma”. I have a friend Karl who suffers from the same thing and let me say it is NO laughing matter. And I am not trying to be mister funny man here!!! I hope Ludacris had his inhaler.
"Makin’ me hot like Toni Braxton"
Toni Braxton comes from the Sammy Sosa era as well (Stephanie Meyer 4) (See bibliography again). More evidence that Ludacris started this song when I was in 5th grade, which is pretty neat to think about!
"You can’t deny you wanna break my back in, two
What you wanna do, look at you with your birthday suit, suit, suit, suit
The forecast said it’s cloudy tonight
And I’ma have your body like bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo"
Not sure what bloo is. But I’m sure it’s a new term the “MC’s” are using on the “street”. Following in the likes of “swag”, “bling bling”, and “gettin’ jiggy with it”.
And after another rather disturbing chorus, Ludacris ends the symphony the way it began. Kind of like the LOST finale only this doesn’t make me want to text my ex-girlfriend talking about fate! COOL!
"Hear the sound of your body drip, drip, drip
As I kiss both sets of lips, lips, lips"
Wonderful. Just wonderful. Although Breezy threw me off for a while with the oral pleasure talk, I’ve come to the conclusion that this song OVERALL is somewhat wholesome and safe for work. Thank GOD for Ludacris.
***BONUS: Be sure to also check out Chris Brown’s duet with somewhat famous singer “Justin Bieber” in which they sing about getting a girl PREGNANT. Unforgivable.***
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