An Analysis of "Haha" Texts

"Well-behaved women rarely make history"

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"It's all about the he says, she says bullshit. I think you better quit, letting shit slip. Or you'll be leaving with a fat lip."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

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I suppose that I should apologize for my long absence from the bloggersphere. It must be tough sitting at the edge of your computer chair every night while constantly refreshing a website for an update. Well, I’m not sorry. The truth is after the over night success that was my last 3 blog posts I decided to enjoy what I had earned. The booze, the drugs, the ladies, etc. You couldn’t possibly fathom the amount of gin a blog post about Chris Brown will get you (nobody has bought me a drink for my blog. This is actually a suggestion for if you see me at Landmark at 2pm on a Tuesday). You wouldn’t believe the kind of attention you receive when you write for a mildly successful comedy blog. Please give me more attention.

To be honest, I would be perfectly content with retiring and going out on top in a blaze of glory. 3 solid blog posts is more than the average life expectancy for any “writer”. Bloggers are the flamethrower soldier of the Internet.

2 days. That was the average. Never forget.

However I have decided to modestly and humbly return to your hearts much like that J.K. Rowling lady has Pottermore now. While I’m way too busy to write long entries frequently, I’ve decided to throw you a couple bones here and there. And since the other guys love their girlfriends so much, I alone have to carry the Boner Tales torch. I got this shit.

So today, we talk about something which is terrifying. Nobody wants to say it and be that guy, but I’ll be that guy: you don’t know what the fuck any girl is talking about ever. Now I can’t really help change an entire gender but I can help you like a defensive driving course. If I HAD to pick what I’m best at with girls (non-sexual), it’d be texting. I text girls the way I’m sure that Brad Pitt texts girls. So you’ll want to listen to me gentlemen.

Today’s lesson? How to interpret a girl’s “haha” texts.

“Haha” texts can be any combination or variation of “ha” used in SMS text message form leaving pretty much everything open to interpretation of the viewer. If AMERICA was smart, we would have already created some kind of English language rule for the amount of “ha’s” girls should use for any given situation. But we don’t have that, we only have Jeff. Hi. I guess that I will tell what it all means.

1) Ha – Wow, what a twatwaffle. This girl thinks she’s real slick. Or you just said something to piss her off. Either way, she’s getting cocky and needs to pump her breaks. The best way to respond to these texts is to always freak out. And freak out hard. That little shroud of confidence that she has will go away when she remembers that you dress better than everybody else and smell like awesome and she wants to have your babies. You can say something like this following a cocky ha, “Oops”. The “oops” text is the best way a guy can say “I don’t like ha-text bitches. Also I can have another you in a minute. Beyonce said it. I live it. You have two (2) sms text messages to fix this OR ELSE”. Sit and watch her world crumble at your feet.

2) Hah – HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? The “hah” text is on another level of being sssssssso cock. So cock. The fact that she took the time to write that extra “h” but wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of writing the “a” after the “h” is just unnerving. Really rubs us men the wrong way. I wouldn’t even respond to this broad, but IF YOU MUST…here is how you do it: “K”. I didn’t want things to have to come to this, but they brought it on their own bad-self. She gets a K text. Shit gets real. The K text is the only text in the America language that doesn’t need to be explained by an expert (me). You all know how serious shit gets when someone K texts. Just use them in moderation. If any publishers or agents are reading BONER TALES right now, I want to write a book about all the times I’ve had to K text a girl. What they said to cause it, what they said after, etc. Da Vinci code shit. P.S. I am in the Illuminati teehee.

3) Haha – Okay, this is where it starts getting complicated. You may need to use something called “context clues”. If you don’t know what they are, you’re probably from Washington Township. Look it up on the ol’ Google or ask your local librarian. Don’t think that when you receive a “haha” text, you’re in the clear. Haha texts can still actually be cocky balls, and some of the worst kind of cocky balls. You see, if a girl texts you “haha” and is secretly cocky about it then it means she doesn’t even give a shit about you enough to subliminally tell you that she’s mad at you. That means that you will never ever have sex with her so go play Xbox instead of texting this girl and make your Facebook status something like “Die young, save yourself”.

4) Hahaha – You did it buddy. There’s almost no way this text can be cocky unless you just broke up with your girlfriend and the text is “hahaha I was cheating on you the whole time r-tard!”. If that’s the case, I’m here for ya. But chances are you just made a girl laugh via SMS text message! You did a great job! Or you’re just really good looking and the girl read in a Cosmo that if you laugh at everything a guy says whether he’s funny or not then he will love you back. I’m actually really insecure about this, you guys. Please don’t laugh at me if I’m not funny.

I am so alone.

5) Hahahahahahhahahshhasahsgahgshghaaahzgsaha11 – Aka the “take my pants and shirt off right this very second” text. Or your ex-girlfriend just murdered your entire family. You make the call.

6) LOL – The “lol” text is forever an enigma to a man who doesn’t know his target too well. She could be really hipster and saying this ironically. That’s kinda hot because she’ll probably like the fact that you’re a writer for Boner Tales. And then you guys can go to Mama Boy’s and get a drink and there’s a chance you’ll get married and have hipster babies together forever 8^D. Or she’s a boring girl. Chances are she’s a boring, trite girl. Keep your head up though kiddo, everybody dies alone

Now if any females are out there reading this, trust me I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engine and I’m completely aware of how guys do this EXACT SAME STUFF. Also I’ve conducted primary research that indicates if a guy texts “Lol” with only the first L being capital then there is a 84% chance that he played football in high school. So happy I am finally able to get back at all those jocks that called me an ’emo’ in high school and stole my girlfriends. TAKE THAT SUCKERS, BONER TALEZ 5-EVR.

Have you ever been unsure whether or not you should text a girl back? Nervous about being the last one to text in the conversation? Tune in next time for “The Art of War: Text Message Stand-off’s”.