Women Are Potato Chips (And Other Life Lessons)

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older? Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long. And wouldn’t it be nice to live together? In the kind of world where we belong.” – Brian Wilson

“I will slit your throat.” – Anonymous

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Sometimes I fall asleep and then wake myself while saying something fucking stupid. I do this a lot. Some of my favorite sleep-sayings are: “Teeth suck”, “Don’t talk to Roger!”, and “I DON’T WANNA FUCKIN’ PLAY FOOTBALL”. As you can tell, I’m a negative Nancy. Well, last week I woke up and IMMEDIATELY uttered what at the time seemed like the dumbest sentence of all time: “girls are potato chips”. The size of stupid that this quote generated actually woke up 5-AM-sleepy-Jeff so that I could ponder what the shit I had just said. It wasn’t long before I realized that girls ARE potato chips and I knew I had to tell the world the good news. Maybe I’ve dated a lot of different kinds of girls. Maybe I’ve dated the same girl 20 times. Maybe I can make a metaphor comparing girls to a greasy snack. Let’s see.

Some women are plain potato chips. We’ve all been there. It’s 3 am and you’re drunk at Wawa wondering what you want to eat while you slay dragons playing Skyrim later on.

So you grab a liter of cola (obviously) and then realize you only have about tree fiddy to spend on the rest of your binge. So then you start looking at chips. Now maybe for some of you, you have a particular favorite kind of chip but I know there are other people like me that love every chip and could never choose. And maybe additionally some people who can’t choose also have mind-crippling anxiety attacks when their friends start dropping f-bombs around little kids in public so you quickly go with the most comfortable chip you know of: plain.

But before we move on why are there little kids in a Wawa at 2 am? And why doesn’t Wawa sell any Mylanta? Some things can never be explained. Like why my ex-girlfriends thought sending naked pictures to me was a good idea.

So anyway, you get home and you’re thinking, “maybe I should just go to sleep” BUT YA DON’T and then you sit on your couch and get salty as shit. Those little fuckers are addictive. You decide that you made a good choice in the potato chip department. You keep eating and eating and then you get about 3/4th’s done and feel like a total dingus. But later you’ll get super existential and wonder why you ever went with plain potato chips to load into your body. You will over-analyze your late night junk-food-session and come to the conclusion that plain potato chips are just not enough for you. You’re young, relatively attractive, & have a good head on your shoulders. With so much to experience in the world why on earth would you just get plain chips? There’s just way too much to try!

Oopsie, that was dumb.

Some women are dill pickle chips. You are in Wawa again after hanging out at your friend Karl’s house with 30 dudes and NO GIRLS for hours. You almost go to grab to those plain chips, but then think to yourself “WAIT. Yolo. Lemme try something different”. Sorry about that YOLO part, doe.

You wanted something crazy and different. Something to make your friends envy you in some weird way. And you succeeded because look at those tits. Wait I mean unique texture of the chip. Yup. For a few weeks you are all about being wild n’ crazy. You think about getting your nipples pierced. You contemplate dropping out of college and working on a farm. After amazing sex, you run outside and challenge a police officer to a sword fight. Whatever. Everybody is like “Man….Jeff really went off the deep end, you guys” as you try to back flip off a jungle gym. After getting reconstructive surgery on your face, you think to yourself maybe you went a little overboard with these dill pickle chips and also maybe you forget what being sober is like. Let’s tone it down a bit. Okay.

Some women are the stale tortilla chips you have in the back of your pantry just in case of an emergency. You see each other out when you’re drunk? Let’s have a million babies. You see each other out when you’re sober? I have to return some video tapes. Often you’ll see each other out and not really even want to hook up, but at the end of the night you just look at each other and nod in agreement that both of your lives are pathetic so the hookup is always inevitable.

That's the one.

Some women are Doritos. You can’t eat even one without making a mess and feeling like a total asshole. These include your friend’s ex-girlfriends. At any point in any man’s life there are like 30 girls he wants to get with but because of some lame political reason cannot. It just wouldn’t be right, or whatever. That is a cool way to think if you have a soul, but I know there are always people that LOVE Doritos and run away from their “mess” laughing like a maniac, naked. So I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. However when I’m considering something to munch on, I usually don’t want to select an item that will require me to wash my hands twice after eating and then still kinda smell that shit on them. You brush your teeth hard as fuck. Not enough mouth wash in the world to get it out of there. You burp 5 hours later and you can taste the cheese on your breath and want to die. She didn’t shave down there ever. What?

Some women are ripple chips. By this point you think you’ve seen it all. You want to crawl back to plain chips…but your pride won’t let you. So you trick your brain into thinking you’re eating something different with ripples. You pop them into your mouth and the texture is a crazy, new world. Then your tongue tastes it and you instantly realize you are eating a plain potato chip that dresses like a dickhead. Maybe her hair is from the 80’s. Maybe every one of her texts includes “LMAO” in all caps always. However, ripples will be the most levelheaded potato chips you will ever eat but you can’t get over the fact that she lists “anything on the radio!” under the favorite music section on her Facebook.

Some women are Sun Chips. You’ve never been lower in all your days. You’re finally ready to turn your life around. How will you do it? Obviously with a healthy snack. So you start eating Sun Chips and shit. You will never miss plain potato chips more than when you date a Sun Chip girl. They rationalize their everyday actions as being better than everyone else as you watch in disbelief trying to convince yourself this chip isn’t bat-shit insane. Sun Chips love to be like, “Ohhhhhh you’re gonna eat that? No I mean that’s fine but…some people like to take care of their body you stupid fuck.” However, you keep trucking and tell yourself “Just hang in there, this is good for you”. One thing will lead to another annnnnnnnnd you break up and then the bomb drops…


“I WANTED YOU TO FIGHT FOR ME”

Run.

Sooooo Sun Chips were a bad idea. We can’t blame you though; you were just attempting to be a better person! A pathetic and weak attempt, sure….but an attempt nonetheless. And now as the aftermath begins and she starts to do some sort of moronic gypsy ritual of pathetic shit to intentionally piss you off, hold on to this feeling when you get the urge to “better” yourself again in the future. In life you'll learn that sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side, because somebody came and shit all over the grass.

Dog shit. The worst kind of shit.

In conclusion, all women are crazy, delicious snacks.

I know that this post was kind of one big word vomit loosely formatted to feign the appearance of an essay. I guess I sort of wrote this as a memento for myself, to remind my future self what dating in college was like. I graduate in May and will more than likely be immediately starting in the industry I’ve always wanted to since I was 18, with a very relaxed company that seems to be okay with hiring a smart kid who just so happens to write for a blog called “Boner Tales” in his spare time and tweets about being alone even though he’s not really ever alone. Believe me, for the first time in my life I know how lucky I am. Pppfpfpfpffpfpfffff.

I guess that one day I’m going to have to grow up, but luckily for you that day isn’t today. Thank you for providing an outlet for me to rant and joke about my life so that I can see how little everything I worry about is in the grand scheme of things.

Boner Talez 4 Lyfe

An Analysis of "Haha" Texts

"Well-behaved women rarely make history"

- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"It's all about the he says, she says bullshit. I think you better quit, letting shit slip. Or you'll be leaving with a fat lip."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

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I suppose that I should apologize for my long absence from the bloggersphere. It must be tough sitting at the edge of your computer chair every night while constantly refreshing a website for an update. Well, I’m not sorry. The truth is after the over night success that was my last 3 blog posts I decided to enjoy what I had earned. The booze, the drugs, the ladies, etc. You couldn’t possibly fathom the amount of gin a blog post about Chris Brown will get you (nobody has bought me a drink for my blog. This is actually a suggestion for if you see me at Landmark at 2pm on a Tuesday). You wouldn’t believe the kind of attention you receive when you write for a mildly successful comedy blog. Please give me more attention.

To be honest, I would be perfectly content with retiring and going out on top in a blaze of glory. 3 solid blog posts is more than the average life expectancy for any “writer”. Bloggers are the flamethrower soldier of the Internet.

2 days. That was the average. Never forget.

However I have decided to modestly and humbly return to your hearts much like that J.K. Rowling lady has Pottermore now. While I’m way too busy to write long entries frequently, I’ve decided to throw you a couple bones here and there. And since the other guys love their girlfriends so much, I alone have to carry the Boner Tales torch. I got this shit.

So today, we talk about something which is terrifying. Nobody wants to say it and be that guy, but I’ll be that guy: you don’t know what the fuck any girl is talking about ever. Now I can’t really help change an entire gender but I can help you like a defensive driving course. If I HAD to pick what I’m best at with girls (non-sexual), it’d be texting. I text girls the way I’m sure that Brad Pitt texts girls. So you’ll want to listen to me gentlemen.

Today’s lesson? How to interpret a girl’s “haha” texts.

“Haha” texts can be any combination or variation of “ha” used in SMS text message form leaving pretty much everything open to interpretation of the viewer. If AMERICA was smart, we would have already created some kind of English language rule for the amount of “ha’s” girls should use for any given situation. But we don’t have that, we only have Jeff. Hi. I guess that I will tell what it all means.

1) Ha – Wow, what a twatwaffle. This girl thinks she’s real slick. Or you just said something to piss her off. Either way, she’s getting cocky and needs to pump her breaks. The best way to respond to these texts is to always freak out. And freak out hard. That little shroud of confidence that she has will go away when she remembers that you dress better than everybody else and smell like awesome and she wants to have your babies. You can say something like this following a cocky ha, “Oops”. The “oops” text is the best way a guy can say “I don’t like ha-text bitches. Also I can have another you in a minute. Beyonce said it. I live it. You have two (2) sms text messages to fix this OR ELSE”. Sit and watch her world crumble at your feet.

2) Hah – HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? The “hah” text is on another level of being sssssssso cock. So cock. The fact that she took the time to write that extra “h” but wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of writing the “a” after the “h” is just unnerving. Really rubs us men the wrong way. I wouldn’t even respond to this broad, but IF YOU MUST…here is how you do it: “K”. I didn’t want things to have to come to this, but they brought it on their own bad-self. She gets a K text. Shit gets real. The K text is the only text in the America language that doesn’t need to be explained by an expert (me). You all know how serious shit gets when someone K texts. Just use them in moderation. If any publishers or agents are reading BONER TALES right now, I want to write a book about all the times I’ve had to K text a girl. What they said to cause it, what they said after, etc. Da Vinci code shit. P.S. I am in the Illuminati teehee.

3) Haha – Okay, this is where it starts getting complicated. You may need to use something called “context clues”. If you don’t know what they are, you’re probably from Washington Township. Look it up on the ol’ Google or ask your local librarian. Don’t think that when you receive a “haha” text, you’re in the clear. Haha texts can still actually be cocky balls, and some of the worst kind of cocky balls. You see, if a girl texts you “haha” and is secretly cocky about it then it means she doesn’t even give a shit about you enough to subliminally tell you that she’s mad at you. That means that you will never ever have sex with her so go play Xbox instead of texting this girl and make your Facebook status something like “Die young, save yourself”.

4) Hahaha – You did it buddy. There’s almost no way this text can be cocky unless you just broke up with your girlfriend and the text is “hahaha I was cheating on you the whole time r-tard!”. If that’s the case, I’m here for ya. But chances are you just made a girl laugh via SMS text message! You did a great job! Or you’re just really good looking and the girl read in a Cosmo that if you laugh at everything a guy says whether he’s funny or not then he will love you back. I’m actually really insecure about this, you guys. Please don’t laugh at me if I’m not funny.

I am so alone.

5) Hahahahahahhahahshhasahsgahgshghaaahzgsaha11 – Aka the “take my pants and shirt off right this very second” text. Or your ex-girlfriend just murdered your entire family. You make the call.

6) LOL – The “lol” text is forever an enigma to a man who doesn’t know his target too well. She could be really hipster and saying this ironically. That’s kinda hot because she’ll probably like the fact that you’re a writer for Boner Tales. And then you guys can go to Mama Boy’s and get a drink and there’s a chance you’ll get married and have hipster babies together forever 8^D. Or she’s a boring girl. Chances are she’s a boring, trite girl. Keep your head up though kiddo, everybody dies alone

Now if any females are out there reading this, trust me I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engine and I’m completely aware of how guys do this EXACT SAME STUFF. Also I’ve conducted primary research that indicates if a guy texts “Lol” with only the first L being capital then there is a 84% chance that he played football in high school. So happy I am finally able to get back at all those jocks that called me an ’emo’ in high school and stole my girlfriends. TAKE THAT SUCKERS, BONER TALEZ 5-EVR.

Have you ever been unsure whether or not you should text a girl back? Nervous about being the last one to text in the conversation? Tune in next time for “The Art of War: Text Message Stand-off’s”.

On Chris Brown: A Tribute

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

“fuck odd future! Make sure y’all smalltime niggas stick yo chess out when u speak to me,” - @chrisbrown

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First of all, I want to go on record and say that I really don’t normally do this kind of thing. You’ve read my previous posts; I do female-degrading humor while making myself look like a pompous prick. Well feminists and ex-girlfriends rejoice! This week you will get a break from all that. This week we talk about something much more important than my tales of teenage angst. This week we talk about Chris Brown. I guess I should start by explaining the story of how I came across this man. This wonderful figure in musical history that has forever changed my outlook on love and while we’re at it, life. The meaning of all life.

My fascination with Mr. Breezy started off like most of yours; slow dancing to “Say Goodbye” at homecoming, wearing a rented suit that didn’t fit, sexually frustrated with my girlfriend of 3 weeks. You guys remember grinding, right? Hilarious. But even 16 year old boys needed breaks from the biggest boners they’ll ever have in their life, and that’s where slow dancing came in handy. Anyway, while listening to this slow jam, I remember really taking in the aura of the entire event. Every girl had boobs now! I didn’t have acne! My mom let me stay out till 11! I didn’t have to change the subject when people talked about virginity! I didn’t see how life could get any better. Chris Brown sung to me “Wait Jeff, you are 16 and in the prime of your life. Why do you have a girlfriend? Well there’s never a right time to say goodbye, so dump that slut.” over the speakers that filled the gymnasium. As if he was speaking right to me. Ahhhhh, but I digress.

How could you not trust this face?

Fast forward to senior year. It is December and I am alone (probably). I am listening to “With You” on repeat while singing to myself in the bathroom mirror. I can’t tell you how many times I made, “I bet there’s hearts all over the world tonight with the love of their life who FEEL. WHAT I FEEL WHEN I’M WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU.” my away message hoping a girl who hated my guts would think it’s about her. I probably didn’t even want to get back with her I just wanted to keep her up at night and prevent her from getting with a guy before I could get a hand job. This is the power Chris Brown gave me.

It got weird at one point. CB released a song with Jordin Sparks called “No Air”. As a guitarist in a rock band….I wasn’t able to openly admit that I absolutely loved this song. How do you tell your friends that? To this day, I don’t think my friends know. Well guys, here it is: I loved that fuckin’ “No Air” song. The way the two voices seemed to compliment each other and make us listeners believe that Breezy actually had a fling with this fatty. The key change? Killed it. How the shit do you breathe with no air? Forget about it. I was happy when “Forever” was released, due to the fact that this was a much more acceptable song to approve of in the hipster community. What WASN’T acceptable was that one time my eyes started swelling up and I had to shove the tears back into my ovaries while watching the JK Wedding Entrance Dance.

Every god damn time.

We’ll overlook the mind-boggling diarrhea of an album that was known as “Graffiti”. I guess all the songs about getting Rihanna back were sort of cool (“Crawl”, “So Cold”), but every time Chris tried to sing about pounding ass and clubs a school teacher in Ohio farted the words “too soon” and a kitten died. But guess what? Pretty boy is back and now he has an album called “F.A.M.E.” which stands for “Fancy. AIDS. Monkey. Erroneous.” (Look it up on Wikipedia). However, there is another thing I forgot to mention….and that thing is that this album is just as bad as the last. But one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and there is a song on this album called “Wet The Bed”…

WET THE BED ANALYSIS:

If you are living under a rock maybe you haven’t heard this gem. I guess that I will show you:

Brilliant, right?

So now let us crack deeper into this song and look at the underlying meaning Chris and Ludacris are trying to communicate to us.

"Hear the sound of your body drip, drip, drip
As I kiss both sets of lips, lips, lips"

Right away our ol’ pal Ludacris sets the tone for the entire piece. Try not to be swayed by the apparent sexual references on the surface, Luda is simply talking about sweat and kissing girls who unfortunately have two sets of lips :/ . Simultaneously showing us that he loves this girl and also does not mind her birth defect and sweat glands.

"I ain't afraid to drown, if that means I’m deep up in your ocean, yeah Girl I’ll drink you down, sipping on your body all night"

Everybody knows that Chris Brown is afraid of water, the ocean and drowning (JK Rowling 3273) (See bibliography), but here he is saying he is so dumbfounded by this woman’s beauty that he isn’t even afraid of DYING. Beautiful.

"I just wanna take your legs an’ wrap them round
Girl you cummin’ right now
My head to your chest feeling your heartbeat, girl
Swimming all in your sea
And you sweatin’ all over me
Girl, lean forward, don’t you run, girl"

Don’t you run girl. Chris Brown wants you to come with him! (I guess that they spelled that word wrong here for some reason?) He wants to swim in your sea of love and lust. Again with the sweat glands, not a care in the world...

"I don’t want to be a minute man
Baby you're just like a storm
Rainin’ on me girl, you're soakin’ wet"

This pre-chrous is a pre-cursor for how Chris Brown is gonna make out with you and take you out for an ice cream date. He doesn’t want the date to last a minute he wants it to last as long as a storm in Virginia. I fucking love ice cream dates.

"I’ma kiss you right, yea, yeah
I’m gon lick all night, yea, yeah
Girl, when I’m inside yea, yeah
Yeah girl, you heard what I said
I’m gonna make you wet the bed
Yea yeah
Girl I’m gonna make you wet the bed
Yea yeah
I’m gonna make you wet the bed
I’mma put your legs behind your head
I’m gonna make you wet the bed"

There is an old tale told by sailors that after you take a girl for an ice cream date and make metaphors about her love swallowing you like the sea (hence: “when I’m inside”) that she will pee the bed (or "nocturnal enuresis"). It’s quite an accomplishment as a man and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The subject here is also apparently a trapeze artist and/or professional ballet dancer! Either way, excellent taste Christopher.

"You don’t know what you in for
Bout to get into your mental, huh
Bend you back like its limbo
I’m gon make you feel like a Nympho
Tonight (ooooh) you're mine, baby girl, uhhhh"

Oh CHRIS! You’re bad. You’re baaaad. Also upon further investigation, said girl is definitely a trapeze artist. I don’t know what a Nympho is and when I use The Google only porn comes up :(

"Anytime you want it
I’m ready and willin’ gotta give it
I start to lick on your body
You go to trembling
Move around girl, let me get it from the side
And can I visit all those spots you like
Your neck, your back, your sexy lips
booty and thighs"

…….Something is definitely afoot here. It seems that Chris might be talking about…sex? More specifically licking a girl’s reproductive organs until she reaches “climax”. This…can’t be coming from the same guy who sung “Is yo’ man. On the flo’. If he ain’t. Then let me know!”. This is not the CB I know from Oscar-award winning films such as “Stomp The Yard” and “Takers”. Everything is wrong.

I am going to just skip over the pre-chorus and chorus now. I don’t support this kind of talk. I’m from New Jersey. I was in NHS.

"I’ma make your body wetter than ever
We’ll get together you could tell as soon as I approach her
When you feelin’ uptight get it right
Don’t fight, lightin up like Sammy Sosa"

GOOD THING WE HAVE LUDACRIS TO SAVE THE DAY. Nice, wholesome, Will Smith-like rap. So let’s break this little bridge down. Sammy Sosa reference on an album released in 2011! That’s interesting. Leads me to believe that this song has been a very long time coming and that it was probably that asshole Chris who changed the meaning of it and that’s why it took so long to release.

"Women call me the super soaker
And I’ma soak your bed to death
(don’t stop, uh, uh)"

Super soakers sure were fun when I was little!!! I wish women called me that as a nickname. I never soaked girl’s beds with it but I did pull off Barbie heads.

"How long can you hold you breath, uhh
A-a-asthma attackin’
Waking up, wondering what happened"

Now Luda is commenting on his debilitating illness of “asthma”. I have a friend Karl who suffers from the same thing and let me say it is NO laughing matter. And I am not trying to be mister funny man here!!! I hope Ludacris had his inhaler.

"Makin’ me hot like Toni Braxton"

Toni Braxton comes from the Sammy Sosa era as well (Stephanie Meyer 4) (See bibliography again). More evidence that Ludacris started this song when I was in 5^th grade, which is pretty neat to think about!

"You can’t deny you wanna break my back in, two
What you wanna do, look at you with your birthday suit, suit, suit, suit
The forecast said it’s cloudy tonight
And I’ma have your body like bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo"

Not sure what bloo is. But I’m sure it’s a new term the “MC’s” are using on the “street”. Following in the likes of “swag”, “bling bling”, and “gettin’ jiggy with it”.

And after another rather disturbing chorus, Ludacris ends the symphony the way it began. Kind of like the LOST finale only this doesn’t make me want to text my ex-girlfriend talking about fate! COOL!

"Hear the sound of your body drip, drip, drip
As I kiss both sets of lips, lips, lips"

Wonderful. Just wonderful. Although Breezy threw me off for a while with the oral pleasure talk, I’ve come to the conclusion that this song OVERALL is somewhat wholesome and safe for work. Thank GOD for Ludacris.

***BONUS: Be sure to also check out Chris Brown’s duet with somewhat famous singer “Justin Bieber” in which they sing about getting a girl PREGNANT. Unforgivable.***

An Apology

Hey guys! Jeff here to bring you a message from our buddy Brian!

"Hey everybody. Just wanted to apologize for my post last night. What happened was I got drunk and blogged. The result was unfortunate for everyone! Just to let you know I am currently checked into rehab and making some BIG changes in my life. Hope to soberly blog sometime soon and bring back the laughs LOL :) "

Thanks Brian! Thanks for the support everybody!

On Breaking Up With A Girl Before Her Birthday

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13

“Boy come on get your rocks off. Come put a little love in my glove box. I want to dance with no pants on. Holla!” – Ke$ha

DISCLAIMER: The following technique should NOT be attempted at home. It will only lead to you exhausting your supply of local females. If done correctly, you will probably have to move to a town where nobody knows your name. Possibly delete your Facebook. We don’t know. Our research hasn’t continued on that long.

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Ahhhhh the ol’ dumping your girlfriend before her birthday trick. This is classic Jeff. Additionally, this will work fairly well with Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, etc. If you have some kind of conscious, timing is everything in making yourself seem not like an asshole. If you don’t have any little voice telling you in your head that what you’re doing is morally wrong (like, moi), and you want to make it as hilarious as possible then pay no attention to timing and just follow along.

YOU will be in some sort of relationship. Casually hooking up, mutually exclusive, or FB offich. Bonus points if you’ve been with the girl steady for months. SHE will be somewhat gullible and believe that you two will move in together one day and give birth to your 5 boys who form a family band. YOU will be getting bored with the relationship and will have blown all your money on booze, jeans, and/or Xbox games. SHE will preferably already have gotten you something fantastic for your birthday, which was absolutely what you wanted because you basically told her to get you that exact thing. It will cost at least $200 dollars and you will say a few times “You shouldn’t have spent that much on me!”. THIS IS KEY. SHE will believe that this was just you being polite when in reality it is actually you giving her a very fair warning that you plan on doing nothing of that sort when her birthday rolls around.

Don’t act like I never told ya

Things will roll on and she will be very content with herself thinking about how she got you such a bomb gift. The few guy friends that she has (who are just trying to get in her pants and absolutely will get in her pants after you pull this move) will say stuff like, “OH MAN HE’S SO LUCKY. I WISH YOU WERE MY GIRLFRIEND”. She will respond like this: “lol ya”.

As her birthday approaches, there are specific things you need to do at certain intervals to make this shit work. Okay:

• 6 weeks: Things should be running relatively smoothly. Avoid deep conversation and stick with movie dates or group hangouts.
• 5 weeks: If you are saying the “L” word start to pump your breaks. Wait at least 20 minutes before answering texts.
• 4 weeks: Text response time should now be at the 30-minute mark. This is torture for girls. If asked about it say something like, “Okay relax. I’ve been really busy that’s all! You don’t need to be up my ass all the time” to which she will respond with “I AM NOT UP YOUR ASS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME.” At this point shut off your phone and/or storm out of her house.
• 3 weeks: WARNING TO THOSE WHO HAVE A HEART. This is the cut off point to break up with her and not seem like you were plotting to break up with her right before her birthday (which girls WILL talk about forever). So if you want to admit defeat and call it at this point it’s pretty simple. Stop responding to her texts, period. If you see her around give her a half-assed hug (NO KISS) and say “I’ll talk to you later”. She will text you later saying “So what’s going on with us?”. Proceed to move in for the kill. Breakup technique is your call but avoid calling it a “break” as she might actually expect a gift (HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA, right?)
• 2 weeks: Just end it. Bonus points for getting caught cheating and ruining her entire year. Extra bonus points for releasing the naked pictures she sent you for your birthday on her birthday and ruining her entire youth. Ultra combo points for forwarding them to her mom and ruining her entire universe (You have her mom’s number from that one time she sent you a text asking if her phone was dead. You saved it for some reason).
• 1 week: See you in Hell.

AFTERMATH:

So here’s the shit storm you need to prepare yourself for. She will instantly delete you number, delete you as a friend on FB, stop following you on Twitter and if she’s REALLY mad delete all your best friends too. Avoid her close friends for they will tend to ignore you or blurt out a comment like “YA KNOW YOUR A FUCKING ASSHOLE K?”. She won’t even use the correct “you’re” in that statement because girls NEVER get that simple grammar rule right even when they are actually talking. Also the whole then/than thing, really? C’mon female gender.

Expect a lot of this online (sorry in advance for this):

“What goes around comes around ;) ;) out with my besties!!!!!!”

“I could have another you in a minute. Mattafact he’ll be here in a minute ;) lol.”

“Making BIG changes in my life. Hello new me ;) ;)”

“Just don’t know anymore :/ txt it………..”

“lololol can’t even remember last nite… txt it…LOL ;) just dance”

What we can conclude from this is that girls are not over us

and that they love winky faces.

CONCLUSION:

Okay so what you did is obviously hilarious. But what does it all mean? I have a theory if everything is done correctly that this little maneuver can actually increase your social standing. It gives you bragging rights with the guys who are too insecure to do it themselves and most girls in some sick, twisted way will see you as a badass. It has something to do with metaphysics and also String Theory, which nobody who ever had sex could possibly understand. Anyway, now you’re free! CARPE DIEM ;) ;) ;) ;)