On Breaking Up With A Girl Before Her Birthday

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13

“Boy come on get your rocks off. Come put a little love in my glove box. I want to dance with no pants on. Holla!” – Ke$ha

DISCLAIMER: The following technique should NOT be attempted at home. It will only lead to you exhausting your supply of local females. If done correctly, you will probably have to move to a town where nobody knows your name. Possibly delete your Facebook. We don’t know. Our research hasn’t continued on that long.

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Ahhhhh the ol’ dumping your girlfriend before her birthday trick. This is classic Jeff. Additionally, this will work fairly well with Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, etc. If you have some kind of conscious, timing is everything in making yourself seem not like an asshole. If you don’t have any little voice telling you in your head that what you’re doing is morally wrong (like, moi), and you want to make it as hilarious as possible then pay no attention to timing and just follow along.

YOU will be in some sort of relationship. Casually hooking up, mutually exclusive, or FB offich. Bonus points if you’ve been with the girl steady for months. SHE will be somewhat gullible and believe that you two will move in together one day and give birth to your 5 boys who form a family band. YOU will be getting bored with the relationship and will have blown all your money on booze, jeans, and/or Xbox games. SHE will preferably already have gotten you something fantastic for your birthday, which was absolutely what you wanted because you basically told her to get you that exact thing. It will cost at least $200 dollars and you will say a few times “You shouldn’t have spent that much on me!”. THIS IS KEY. SHE will believe that this was just you being polite when in reality it is actually you giving her a very fair warning that you plan on doing nothing of that sort when her birthday rolls around.

Don’t act like I never told ya

Things will roll on and she will be very content with herself thinking about how she got you such a bomb gift. The few guy friends that she has (who are just trying to get in her pants and absolutely will get in her pants after you pull this move) will say stuff like, “OH MAN HE’S SO LUCKY. I WISH YOU WERE MY GIRLFRIEND”. She will respond like this: “lol ya”.

As her birthday approaches, there are specific things you need to do at certain intervals to make this shit work. Okay:

• 6 weeks: Things should be running relatively smoothly. Avoid deep conversation and stick with movie dates or group hangouts.
• 5 weeks: If you are saying the “L” word start to pump your breaks. Wait at least 20 minutes before answering texts.
• 4 weeks: Text response time should now be at the 30-minute mark. This is torture for girls. If asked about it say something like, “Okay relax. I’ve been really busy that’s all! You don’t need to be up my ass all the time” to which she will respond with “I AM NOT UP YOUR ASS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME.” At this point shut off your phone and/or storm out of her house.
• 3 weeks: WARNING TO THOSE WHO HAVE A HEART. This is the cut off point to break up with her and not seem like you were plotting to break up with her right before her birthday (which girls WILL talk about forever). So if you want to admit defeat and call it at this point it’s pretty simple. Stop responding to her texts, period. If you see her around give her a half-assed hug (NO KISS) and say “I’ll talk to you later”. She will text you later saying “So what’s going on with us?”. Proceed to move in for the kill. Breakup technique is your call but avoid calling it a “break” as she might actually expect a gift (HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA, right?)
• 2 weeks: Just end it. Bonus points for getting caught cheating and ruining her entire year. Extra bonus points for releasing the naked pictures she sent you for your birthday on her birthday and ruining her entire youth. Ultra combo points for forwarding them to her mom and ruining her entire universe (You have her mom’s number from that one time she sent you a text asking if her phone was dead. You saved it for some reason).
• 1 week: See you in Hell.

AFTERMATH:

So here’s the shit storm you need to prepare yourself for. She will instantly delete you number, delete you as a friend on FB, stop following you on Twitter and if she’s REALLY mad delete all your best friends too. Avoid her close friends for they will tend to ignore you or blurt out a comment like “YA KNOW YOUR A FUCKING ASSHOLE K?”. She won’t even use the correct “you’re” in that statement because girls NEVER get that simple grammar rule right even when they are actually talking. Also the whole then/than thing, really? C’mon female gender.

Expect a lot of this online (sorry in advance for this):

“What goes around comes around ;) ;) out with my besties!!!!!!”

“I could have another you in a minute. Mattafact he’ll be here in a minute ;) lol.”

“Making BIG changes in my life. Hello new me ;) ;)”

“Just don’t know anymore :/ txt it………..”

“lololol can’t even remember last nite… txt it…LOL ;) just dance”

What we can conclude from this is that girls are not over us

and that they love winky faces.

CONCLUSION:

Okay so what you did is obviously hilarious. But what does it all mean? I have a theory if everything is done correctly that this little maneuver can actually increase your social standing. It gives you bragging rights with the guys who are too insecure to do it themselves and most girls in some sick, twisted way will see you as a badass. It has something to do with metaphysics and also String Theory, which nobody who ever had sex could possibly understand. Anyway, now you’re free! CARPE DIEM ;) ;) ;) ;)