Hello Interwebz? It's me, Jeffrey.

I am not good at most things. In fact, I am really bad at everything. You want examples? Fine. I am awful at sports. When my friends bring up the possibility of playing a game of Basket-hoops I groan and take a nap instead. See also: calculus, jobs, and making pasta. So when I was younger I quickly realized it was easier getting girls playing guitar than football, so guess what I did? Started myself a damn band. And guess what? It worked.

Here’s why: I have a pretty face and sometimes my hair looks cool. My teeth are straight (thanks Dr. Kadar!) and I dress better than everybody. I am the guy stupid girls picture when somebody says “rockstar”. The sad reality for most girls is that most “musicians” have really bad back-ne, a Korn shirt, and a Warlock bass, which means that they are not cool so I won everything in that department. Hi, my name is Jeff.

Now here’s the other thing: I’m really not all that cool now. I don’t play in a band anymore, I get good grades, and I vote in most local elections. I have a girlfriend who I actually am nice to, and sometimes we get ice cream. The most dangerous thing I do is curse on Twitter (@whocaresjeff, hi-oooooh). BUT MAN, OH MAN YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME IN HIGH SCHOOL. While trying not to sound like that guy at the local bar who won’t shut up about that time his team won state, I would love to tell you tales of my former self. I don’t think I’ll run out of these stories anytime soon as I am learning new things everyday. For instance, today I learned that at age 17 I “oinked” like a pig at a girl in the hallway. Didn’t know that yesterday. Know it now.

So who should read my posts? I’ll describe my demographic for you. You shouldn’t like Nickleback. You should have a Mac or at least one Apple product. You should never have said, “Everything happens for a reason” and not mean it in a sarcastic way. You should think Tucker Max is/was kind of a douche. You should enjoy the art and concept of “people-watching”. You should not be a feminist. Preferably not attending PenncoTech. That should do it! I’ll probably post something tomorrow because my life is that pathetic. Church.