On Chris Brown: A Tribute

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

“fuck odd future! Make sure y’all smalltime niggas stick yo chess out when u speak to me,” - @chrisbrown

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First of all, I want to go on record and say that I really don’t normally do this kind of thing. You’ve read my previous posts; I do female-degrading humor while making myself look like a pompous prick. Well feminists and ex-girlfriends rejoice! This week you will get a break from all that. This week we talk about something much more important than my tales of teenage angst. This week we talk about Chris Brown. I guess I should start by explaining the story of how I came across this man. This wonderful figure in musical history that has forever changed my outlook on love and while we’re at it, life. The meaning of all life.

My fascination with Mr. Breezy started off like most of yours; slow dancing to “Say Goodbye” at homecoming, wearing a rented suit that didn’t fit, sexually frustrated with my girlfriend of 3 weeks. You guys remember grinding, right? Hilarious. But even 16 year old boys needed breaks from the biggest boners they’ll ever have in their life, and that’s where slow dancing came in handy. Anyway, while listening to this slow jam, I remember really taking in the aura of the entire event. Every girl had boobs now! I didn’t have acne! My mom let me stay out till 11! I didn’t have to change the subject when people talked about virginity! I didn’t see how life could get any better. Chris Brown sung to me “Wait Jeff, you are 16 and in the prime of your life. Why do you have a girlfriend? Well there’s never a right time to say goodbye, so dump that slut.” over the speakers that filled the gymnasium. As if he was speaking right to me. Ahhhhh, but I digress.

How could you not trust this face?

Fast forward to senior year. It is December and I am alone (probably). I am listening to “With You” on repeat while singing to myself in the bathroom mirror. I can’t tell you how many times I made, “I bet there’s hearts all over the world tonight with the love of their life who FEEL. WHAT I FEEL WHEN I’M WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU WITH YOU.” my away message hoping a girl who hated my guts would think it’s about her. I probably didn’t even want to get back with her I just wanted to keep her up at night and prevent her from getting with a guy before I could get a hand job. This is the power Chris Brown gave me.

It got weird at one point. CB released a song with Jordin Sparks called “No Air”. As a guitarist in a rock band….I wasn’t able to openly admit that I absolutely loved this song. How do you tell your friends that? To this day, I don’t think my friends know. Well guys, here it is: I loved that fuckin’ “No Air” song. The way the two voices seemed to compliment each other and make us listeners believe that Breezy actually had a fling with this fatty. The key change? Killed it. How the shit do you breathe with no air? Forget about it. I was happy when “Forever” was released, due to the fact that this was a much more acceptable song to approve of in the hipster community. What WASN’T acceptable was that one time my eyes started swelling up and I had to shove the tears back into my ovaries while watching the JK Wedding Entrance Dance.

Every god damn time.

We’ll overlook the mind-boggling diarrhea of an album that was known as “Graffiti”. I guess all the songs about getting Rihanna back were sort of cool (“Crawl”, “So Cold”), but every time Chris tried to sing about pounding ass and clubs a school teacher in Ohio farted the words “too soon” and a kitten died. But guess what? Pretty boy is back and now he has an album called “F.A.M.E.” which stands for “Fancy. AIDS. Monkey. Erroneous.” (Look it up on Wikipedia). However, there is another thing I forgot to mention….and that thing is that this album is just as bad as the last. But one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and there is a song on this album called “Wet The Bed”…

WET THE BED ANALYSIS:

If you are living under a rock maybe you haven’t heard this gem. I guess that I will show you:

Brilliant, right?

So now let us crack deeper into this song and look at the underlying meaning Chris and Ludacris are trying to communicate to us.

"Hear the sound of your body drip, drip, drip
As I kiss both sets of lips, lips, lips"

Right away our ol’ pal Ludacris sets the tone for the entire piece. Try not to be swayed by the apparent sexual references on the surface, Luda is simply talking about sweat and kissing girls who unfortunately have two sets of lips :/ . Simultaneously showing us that he loves this girl and also does not mind her birth defect and sweat glands.

"I ain't afraid to drown, if that means I’m deep up in your ocean, yeah Girl I’ll drink you down, sipping on your body all night"

Everybody knows that Chris Brown is afraid of water, the ocean and drowning (JK Rowling 3273) (See bibliography), but here he is saying he is so dumbfounded by this woman’s beauty that he isn’t even afraid of DYING. Beautiful.

"I just wanna take your legs an’ wrap them round
Girl you cummin’ right now
My head to your chest feeling your heartbeat, girl
Swimming all in your sea
And you sweatin’ all over me
Girl, lean forward, don’t you run, girl"

Don’t you run girl. Chris Brown wants you to come with him! (I guess that they spelled that word wrong here for some reason?) He wants to swim in your sea of love and lust. Again with the sweat glands, not a care in the world...

"I don’t want to be a minute man
Baby you're just like a storm
Rainin’ on me girl, you're soakin’ wet"

This pre-chrous is a pre-cursor for how Chris Brown is gonna make out with you and take you out for an ice cream date. He doesn’t want the date to last a minute he wants it to last as long as a storm in Virginia. I fucking love ice cream dates.

"I’ma kiss you right, yea, yeah
I’m gon lick all night, yea, yeah
Girl, when I’m inside yea, yeah
Yeah girl, you heard what I said
I’m gonna make you wet the bed
Yea yeah
Girl I’m gonna make you wet the bed
Yea yeah
I’m gonna make you wet the bed
I’mma put your legs behind your head
I’m gonna make you wet the bed"

There is an old tale told by sailors that after you take a girl for an ice cream date and make metaphors about her love swallowing you like the sea (hence: “when I’m inside”) that she will pee the bed (or "nocturnal enuresis"). It’s quite an accomplishment as a man and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The subject here is also apparently a trapeze artist and/or professional ballet dancer! Either way, excellent taste Christopher.

"You don’t know what you in for
Bout to get into your mental, huh
Bend you back like its limbo
I’m gon make you feel like a Nympho
Tonight (ooooh) you're mine, baby girl, uhhhh"

Oh CHRIS! You’re bad. You’re baaaad. Also upon further investigation, said girl is definitely a trapeze artist. I don’t know what a Nympho is and when I use The Google only porn comes up :(

"Anytime you want it
I’m ready and willin’ gotta give it
I start to lick on your body
You go to trembling
Move around girl, let me get it from the side
And can I visit all those spots you like
Your neck, your back, your sexy lips
booty and thighs"

…….Something is definitely afoot here. It seems that Chris might be talking about…sex? More specifically licking a girl’s reproductive organs until she reaches “climax”. This…can’t be coming from the same guy who sung “Is yo’ man. On the flo’. If he ain’t. Then let me know!”. This is not the CB I know from Oscar-award winning films such as “Stomp The Yard” and “Takers”. Everything is wrong.

I am going to just skip over the pre-chorus and chorus now. I don’t support this kind of talk. I’m from New Jersey. I was in NHS.

"I’ma make your body wetter than ever
We’ll get together you could tell as soon as I approach her
When you feelin’ uptight get it right
Don’t fight, lightin up like Sammy Sosa"

GOOD THING WE HAVE LUDACRIS TO SAVE THE DAY. Nice, wholesome, Will Smith-like rap. So let’s break this little bridge down. Sammy Sosa reference on an album released in 2011! That’s interesting. Leads me to believe that this song has been a very long time coming and that it was probably that asshole Chris who changed the meaning of it and that’s why it took so long to release.

"Women call me the super soaker
And I’ma soak your bed to death
(don’t stop, uh, uh)"

Super soakers sure were fun when I was little!!! I wish women called me that as a nickname. I never soaked girl’s beds with it but I did pull off Barbie heads.

"How long can you hold you breath, uhh
A-a-asthma attackin’
Waking up, wondering what happened"

Now Luda is commenting on his debilitating illness of “asthma”. I have a friend Karl who suffers from the same thing and let me say it is NO laughing matter. And I am not trying to be mister funny man here!!! I hope Ludacris had his inhaler.

"Makin’ me hot like Toni Braxton"

Toni Braxton comes from the Sammy Sosa era as well (Stephanie Meyer 4) (See bibliography again). More evidence that Ludacris started this song when I was in 5^th grade, which is pretty neat to think about!

"You can’t deny you wanna break my back in, two
What you wanna do, look at you with your birthday suit, suit, suit, suit
The forecast said it’s cloudy tonight
And I’ma have your body like bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo"

Not sure what bloo is. But I’m sure it’s a new term the “MC’s” are using on the “street”. Following in the likes of “swag”, “bling bling”, and “gettin’ jiggy with it”.

And after another rather disturbing chorus, Ludacris ends the symphony the way it began. Kind of like the LOST finale only this doesn’t make me want to text my ex-girlfriend talking about fate! COOL!

"Hear the sound of your body drip, drip, drip
As I kiss both sets of lips, lips, lips"

Wonderful. Just wonderful. Although Breezy threw me off for a while with the oral pleasure talk, I’ve come to the conclusion that this song OVERALL is somewhat wholesome and safe for work. Thank GOD for Ludacris.

***BONUS: Be sure to also check out Chris Brown’s duet with somewhat famous singer “Justin Bieber” in which they sing about getting a girl PREGNANT. Unforgivable.***

An Apology

Hey guys! Jeff here to bring you a message from our buddy Brian!

"Hey everybody. Just wanted to apologize for my post last night. What happened was I got drunk and blogged. The result was unfortunate for everyone! Just to let you know I am currently checked into rehab and making some BIG changes in my life. Hope to soberly blog sometime soon and bring back the laughs LOL :) "

Thanks Brian! Thanks for the support everybody!

On Breaking Up With A Girl Before Her Birthday

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13

“Boy come on get your rocks off. Come put a little love in my glove box. I want to dance with no pants on. Holla!” – Ke$ha

DISCLAIMER: The following technique should NOT be attempted at home. It will only lead to you exhausting your supply of local females. If done correctly, you will probably have to move to a town where nobody knows your name. Possibly delete your Facebook. We don’t know. Our research hasn’t continued on that long.

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Ahhhhh the ol’ dumping your girlfriend before her birthday trick. This is classic Jeff. Additionally, this will work fairly well with Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, etc. If you have some kind of conscious, timing is everything in making yourself seem not like an asshole. If you don’t have any little voice telling you in your head that what you’re doing is morally wrong (like, moi), and you want to make it as hilarious as possible then pay no attention to timing and just follow along.

YOU will be in some sort of relationship. Casually hooking up, mutually exclusive, or FB offich. Bonus points if you’ve been with the girl steady for months. SHE will be somewhat gullible and believe that you two will move in together one day and give birth to your 5 boys who form a family band. YOU will be getting bored with the relationship and will have blown all your money on booze, jeans, and/or Xbox games. SHE will preferably already have gotten you something fantastic for your birthday, which was absolutely what you wanted because you basically told her to get you that exact thing. It will cost at least $200 dollars and you will say a few times “You shouldn’t have spent that much on me!”. THIS IS KEY. SHE will believe that this was just you being polite when in reality it is actually you giving her a very fair warning that you plan on doing nothing of that sort when her birthday rolls around.

Don’t act like I never told ya

Things will roll on and she will be very content with herself thinking about how she got you such a bomb gift. The few guy friends that she has (who are just trying to get in her pants and absolutely will get in her pants after you pull this move) will say stuff like, “OH MAN HE’S SO LUCKY. I WISH YOU WERE MY GIRLFRIEND”. She will respond like this: “lol ya”.

As her birthday approaches, there are specific things you need to do at certain intervals to make this shit work. Okay:

• 6 weeks: Things should be running relatively smoothly. Avoid deep conversation and stick with movie dates or group hangouts.
• 5 weeks: If you are saying the “L” word start to pump your breaks. Wait at least 20 minutes before answering texts.
• 4 weeks: Text response time should now be at the 30-minute mark. This is torture for girls. If asked about it say something like, “Okay relax. I’ve been really busy that’s all! You don’t need to be up my ass all the time” to which she will respond with “I AM NOT UP YOUR ASS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME.” At this point shut off your phone and/or storm out of her house.
• 3 weeks: WARNING TO THOSE WHO HAVE A HEART. This is the cut off point to break up with her and not seem like you were plotting to break up with her right before her birthday (which girls WILL talk about forever). So if you want to admit defeat and call it at this point it’s pretty simple. Stop responding to her texts, period. If you see her around give her a half-assed hug (NO KISS) and say “I’ll talk to you later”. She will text you later saying “So what’s going on with us?”. Proceed to move in for the kill. Breakup technique is your call but avoid calling it a “break” as she might actually expect a gift (HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA, right?)
• 2 weeks: Just end it. Bonus points for getting caught cheating and ruining her entire year. Extra bonus points for releasing the naked pictures she sent you for your birthday on her birthday and ruining her entire youth. Ultra combo points for forwarding them to her mom and ruining her entire universe (You have her mom’s number from that one time she sent you a text asking if her phone was dead. You saved it for some reason).
• 1 week: See you in Hell.

AFTERMATH:

So here’s the shit storm you need to prepare yourself for. She will instantly delete you number, delete you as a friend on FB, stop following you on Twitter and if she’s REALLY mad delete all your best friends too. Avoid her close friends for they will tend to ignore you or blurt out a comment like “YA KNOW YOUR A FUCKING ASSHOLE K?”. She won’t even use the correct “you’re” in that statement because girls NEVER get that simple grammar rule right even when they are actually talking. Also the whole then/than thing, really? C’mon female gender.

Expect a lot of this online (sorry in advance for this):

“What goes around comes around ;) ;) out with my besties!!!!!!”

“I could have another you in a minute. Mattafact he’ll be here in a minute ;) lol.”

“Making BIG changes in my life. Hello new me ;) ;)”

“Just don’t know anymore :/ txt it………..”

“lololol can’t even remember last nite… txt it…LOL ;) just dance”

What we can conclude from this is that girls are not over us

and that they love winky faces.

CONCLUSION:

Okay so what you did is obviously hilarious. But what does it all mean? I have a theory if everything is done correctly that this little maneuver can actually increase your social standing. It gives you bragging rights with the guys who are too insecure to do it themselves and most girls in some sick, twisted way will see you as a badass. It has something to do with metaphysics and also String Theory, which nobody who ever had sex could possibly understand. Anyway, now you’re free! CARPE DIEM ;) ;) ;) ;)

Hello Interwebz? It's me, Jeffrey.

I am not good at most things. In fact, I am really bad at everything. You want examples? Fine. I am awful at sports. When my friends bring up the possibility of playing a game of Basket-hoops I groan and take a nap instead. See also: calculus, jobs, and making pasta. So when I was younger I quickly realized it was easier getting girls playing guitar than football, so guess what I did? Started myself a damn band. And guess what? It worked.

Here’s why: I have a pretty face and sometimes my hair looks cool. My teeth are straight (thanks Dr. Kadar!) and I dress better than everybody. I am the guy stupid girls picture when somebody says “rockstar”. The sad reality for most girls is that most “musicians” have really bad back-ne, a Korn shirt, and a Warlock bass, which means that they are not cool so I won everything in that department. Hi, my name is Jeff.

Now here’s the other thing: I’m really not all that cool now. I don’t play in a band anymore, I get good grades, and I vote in most local elections. I have a girlfriend who I actually am nice to, and sometimes we get ice cream. The most dangerous thing I do is curse on Twitter (@whocaresjeff, hi-oooooh). BUT MAN, OH MAN YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME IN HIGH SCHOOL. While trying not to sound like that guy at the local bar who won’t shut up about that time his team won state, I would love to tell you tales of my former self. I don’t think I’ll run out of these stories anytime soon as I am learning new things everyday. For instance, today I learned that at age 17 I “oinked” like a pig at a girl in the hallway. Didn’t know that yesterday. Know it now.

So who should read my posts? I’ll describe my demographic for you. You shouldn’t like Nickleback. You should have a Mac or at least one Apple product. You should never have said, “Everything happens for a reason” and not mean it in a sarcastic way. You should think Tucker Max is/was kind of a douche. You should enjoy the art and concept of “people-watching”. You should not be a feminist. Preferably not attending PenncoTech. That should do it! I’ll probably post something tomorrow because my life is that pathetic. Church.

This won't turn out well for anyone.

So before I go on to write any of my stories or any other piece of “writing” that would make a 5^th grade English teacher cringe, I figured I give anyone who doesn’t know me a little background of my shitty life.

So right now I am a 21 year old business student living in Philadelphia working my ass off and barely getting by.  My biggest flaw is that I am the epitome of average.  I am an average looking guy with average build, average intelligence, average in every sense of the word with the exception of my below average penis.  (HAHA THIS IS THE GREAT WIT AND HUMOUR YOU ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO READ EVERY TIME I POST! EXCITED YET?)

Also, I am incredibly introverted in most social settings.  So being socially awkward and never knowing what to say to people who I don’t really know made it kind of difficult for me to make friends.  So, I found an outlet for meeting new people in getting really drunk and acting like a complete ass hole by doing and saying absurd things. 

So a few days ago my friend Chris came to me and said something about starting a blog to write our stories about the shit we do, and at first I was sort of skeptical.  Like I said, I am the textbook definition of “average” and no one, not even my friends will give a shit about what I have to say about anything.  But on a second thought, I am constantly getting black out drunk, setting stuff on fire, breaking stuff, getting naked, having awful diarrhea, and embarrassing myself and taking everyone who tries to stop me down with me.  So I agreed to write.

Now what, am I going to write about?  Girls.  Life.  Sex.  Yeah all of those things, but please don’t expect me trying to give advice on finding love and being successful.  I’m not a guru or even trying to be, I’m actual the complete opposite.  I’m a boarder line fuck up.  I just have so little going on with my life that I have too much time on my hands and this gives me an incentive to go out and do stuff in the world.  I mean, I have been dumped and cheated on by every girlfriend I have ever had, I drink alone 6 days a week, I act like a complete degenerate, and I have frighteningly awkward sex. 

So that’s what you can expect from this blog, at least from my posts.  Poorly written pieces of crap that will embarrass myself and others.  I hope it goes better than I expect, which shouldn’t be hard.

Also, I just wanted to apologize for how shitty this first post was written.  It looks like a retarded 10 year old wrote it, but I really just wanted to get something posted tonight so the page doesn’t look so sad.  I promise from here on out it there will be more of an effort to be more entertaining and less whiney and stupid.   If you don’t believe me I’ll let you know that I am planning to write my next post about a girl who I think miscarried my baby.  If that doesn’t get you to come back and read I don’t know what will.

- Brian